I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
