i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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