It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
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