don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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