I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
