I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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