He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
