Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize