just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
