i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Randomize
