it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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