I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize