Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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