apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
