our cab driver is having phone sex.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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