Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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