Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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