As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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