I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
