have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
