I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
