I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
