Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize