Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
