Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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