last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize