i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
