do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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