This is not my ceiling
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
