ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
