i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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