theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
