when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
