Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
