I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
