I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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