his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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