Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
