After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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