im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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