Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
