Ambien. No doubt about it.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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