Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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