i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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