Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize