her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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