Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Randomize
