she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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