Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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