I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
