He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
