Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize