I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
